The North Korean Hacking Threat Is Closer Than You Think
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Morning Jolt December 19, 2014 The North Korean Hacking Threat Is Closer Than You Think The latest news out of North Korea is outrageous, and I've just about had it with this-BZZZZT #*%#&$^#($* Ha-ha-ha, Morning Jolt Readers! It is I, Kim Jong-un, and my friends at Guardians of Peace group have helped me hack into the Morning Jolt newsletter! Now I can interrupt Jim's writing whenever I want, and he'll have no idea! Finally, we the Heroic People's Collective of Noble Righteous Revolutionary Justice can stop Jim's capitalistic running dog propaganda. Let's check in to see what he's saying, and laugh at how he doesn't know we're doing this . . .
. . . This fat pant-load thinks he can push us around. I'd say we need to give this guy a little chin music, except I can't decide which chin to start with. I've never seen a one-man cause of national starvation. I understand he was initially excited about the proposed plan of revenge against Sony, because he thought the plan involved snacking. This is not funny, Running Dog Geraghty. Words can hurt, you know. Dad said I was big-boned. It looks like we're being threatened by the little kid from Pixar's Up. He's the only world leader whose haircut gets worse every single time. It's like his barber used up all the electricity in the country shaving the sides. You can tell every general standing behind him is trying to not stare at it, because they don't want to. There's that awkward silence, nobody knows how to talk to him. Obviously, the only reason anybody hung around with this guy was because his dad was a homicidal maniac who ran the country. That is really uncalled for. It's lonely being the heir to the throne of a Communist monarchy. Think about it, the only reason women sleep with him is because he can kill their families. He couldn't even get a real NBA star to come over to his country and hang out; he had to settle for Dennis Rodman. He grew up a die-hard Michael Jordan fan, and he has to settle for Rodman. At least hold out for Scottie Pippin! Why is everyone always so mean to me? I'd call for a retaliatory cyber-strike taking down the North Korean electrical grid, except nobody would notice. When he says "it's time to turn out the light" at bedtime, he means the country's lone electrical light. This is why "how many North Koreans does it take to screw in a light bulb" jokes don't work there. But that's okay, because nothing else works there, either. You and I may not have the money, power, palaces, and alleged nuclear arsenal that Kim Jong Un has, but we can hold our heads high in a way he can't. We don't have to wrap ourselves and our entire country in an endless labyrinth of lies to prevent everyone around us from killing us, and we don't live in constant terror that people will see the world as it actually is and us as we actually are. What a pathetic form of existence. You're mean, Running Dog Geraghty. Really, really mean. George Clooney, Stepping into a Heroic Role For once, you'll find yourself in absolute agreement with George Clooney: DEADLINE: How could this have happened, that terrorists achieved their aim of cancelling a major studio film? We watched it unfold, but how many people realized that Sony legitimately was under attack? GEORGE CLOONEY: A good portion of the press abdicated its real duty. They played the fiddle while Rome burned. There was a real story going on. With just a little bit of work, you could have found out that it wasn't just probably North Korea; it was North Korea. The Guardians of Peace is a phrase that Nixon used when he visited China. When asked why he was helping South Korea, he said it was because we are the Guardians of Peace. Here, we're talking about an actual country deciding what content we're going to have. This affects not just movies, this affects every part of business that we have. That's the truth. What happens if a newsroom decides to go with a story, and a country or an individual or corporation decides they don't like it? Forget the hacking part of it. You have someone threaten to blow up buildings, and all of a sudden everybody has to bow down. Sony didn't pull the movie because they were scared; they pulled the movie because all the theaters said they were not going to run it. And they said they were not going to run it because they talked to their lawyers and those lawyers said if somebody dies in one of these, then you're going to be responsible. We have a new paradigm, a new reality, and we're going to have to come to real terms with it all the way down the line. This was a dumb comedy that was about to come out. With the First Amendment, you're never protecting Jefferson; it's usually protecting some guy who's burning a flag or doing something stupid. This is a silly comedy, but the truth is, what it now says about us is a whole lot. We have a responsibility to stand up against this. That's not just Sony, but all of us, including my good friends in the press who have the responsibility to be asking themselves: What was important? What was the important story to be covering here? The hacking is terrible because of the damage they did to all those people. Their medical records, that is a horrible thing, their Social Security numbers. Then, to turn around and threaten to blow people up and kill people, and just by that threat alone we change what we do for a living, that's the actual definition of terrorism. The New York Times editorial board is ripping everyone involved for cowardice: Even a movie studio aware of Mr. Kim's megalomania could not have fully anticipated this crime and the threats that followed. Unfortunately, Sony's capitulation sends a signal to Mr. Kim and other criminals that they can succeed in extortion if they are creative and devious enough. Corporate executives are now rightly fearing increased hacking attacks against their computer systems. Corporations, even large ones like Sony, cannot stand up to a rogue state and shadowy hacker armies all by themselves. That's why the Obama administration needs to take a strong stand on this and future attacks. Officials said on Thursday that they were considering a "proportional response." Mona Charen and Peggy Noonan, diametrically opposed on our change in Cuba policy. Nothing magical will immediately follow normalization. The Castro brothers will not say, "I can't believe it, free markets and democracy really are better, I had no idea!" Nothing will make Cuba democratic overnight. But American involvement and presence—American tourists and businessmen, American diplomats, American money, American ways and technology—will likely in time have a freeing effect. With increased contact a certain amount of good feeling will build. And that could make Cuba, within a generation or even less, a friend. And that would be good for the American national interest, because it's better to have a friend 90 miles away than an active and avowed enemy. The opening to Cuba may also spark a re-Christianizing effect among a people who've been denied freedom of religious worship for generations. That would be good too, for them and us. There is no reason to believe increased engagement between America and Cuba would encourage a post-Castro government to be more antagonistic or aggressive toward the U.S. More movement and commerce, including media presence, will not give that government more motive to embarrass itself by abusing and oppressing its people. As for the military, it wouldn't be long, with lifted embargoes, before captains in the Cuban army found out what managers in the new Hilton were making, and jumped into hotel services. With a real opening, including lifted embargoes, all the pressure year by year would be toward more back-and-forth, greater prosperity, and more freedom squeaking in by Internet and television. "Tell Vladimir I'll have more flexibility after the election," the over-eager Obama whispered to Dmitri Medvedev, itching to appease the Russians. In 2009, the little Communist thug Daniel Ortega lectured Obama for 50 minutes about supposed American sins against Latin America, particularly against Cuba, "whose crime has been . . . fighting for the sovereignty of the peoples." Did President Obama snort at this outrageous inversion of reality? Did he mention the Cuban gulag, the lack of elections, the executions of those seeking to leave? No, he said, "To move forward, we cannot let ourselves be prisoners of past disagreements. I'm grateful that President Ortega did not blame me for things that happened when I was three months old." It's a good thing that Alan Gross and 53 political prisoners have been freed. But the way it was done makes it look to the world that holding a gun to America's head (in the form of taking hostages, which the Taliban have also learned) works wonders. In exchange for diplomatic recognition and valuable economic concessions, the U.S. (and the Cuban people) got nothing. No promise of free elections, no guarantee of international inspections of the prisons, no freedom of the press — nothing. Why? Because in his heart Obama believes that his nation has always been on the wrong side, and he will use his power in the remaining two years to punish us. A deal with Iran is next. ADDENDA: The latest edition of my pop culture podcast with Mickey White features Neal Dewing discussing special drinks and cocktails for the holidays, a discussion of all-time great Christmas movies, and why everyone should relax about the song, "Baby, It's Cold Outside." Dennis Perrin: "When they came for Seth Rogen, I said nothing for I'm not Seth Rogen. When they came for Larry The Cable Guy, I said, 'He lives over there.'"
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