Matt Taibbi -- Starmer gives Zelensky full backrub🙌

Farewell to Volodymyr Zelensky, the GEICO Lizard of the New World Order

Thanking God that the era of mandatory applause for neoliberal mascots is finally over. Can Greta Thunberg come to the White House next?

Matt Taibbi

Mar 3 

READ IN APP

 

From the BBC’s “Starmer gives Zelensky ‘full backing’ in warm No 10 welcome” today:

Sir Keir Starmer has told Volodymyr Zelensky he has "full backing across the United Kingdom" as the two met in Downing Street.

The Ukrainian president told the prime minister he was happy his country had “such friends” after arriving in the UK in the wake of a White House meeting with US President Donald Trump that descended into a row between the two leaders…

I read that headline as “Starmer gives Zelensky ‘full backrub,’” which might have been more accurate. The Zelensky World Tour for the last week now includes punking the White House, lecturing America for its insufficient billions, getting yelled at for having “no cards” by a furious Donald Trump (who took offense “on Putin’s behalf,” not the taxpayer’s, according to the New York Times), then instantly backtracking on X and opening the door to a NATO-less solution. Afterward, he fled across the pond to England, where he offered to resign in exchange for NATO admission before dismounting into the arms of Starmer, who eased urgency toward a settlement by pledging to stand with Ukraine “for as long as it may take.”

Zelensky’s transformation from affable populist to Anne Applebaum’s idea of a sex symbol was off-putting even before he started appearing before swooning legislators around the world wearing his trademark wan face and “I Saved The World From Putin and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” costume. We just spent three years turning a fixable local issue into a test case for a new ethos of imperial intransigence, one that apparently requires constant weeding of unbelievers and full control of media to preserve “democracy.” Zelensky may not have started as a hawk for this global Misinformation is Murder movement, but once he realized selling the idea was a requirement for NATO’s billions, he threw himself into the role with gusto. Now, he’s refusing to give up the part.

Many readers were offended last week by my irreligious attitude toward Ukraine’s president. Those of us who won’t salute this NATO-crafted character actor are apparently “careening into full-on MAGA paranoia,” no better than “comrades” and “fellow travelers” in Vladimir Putin’s figurative if not literal employ. The former comedian is now reprising Ben Kingsley’s Marvin role as the Mandarin, playing tough-guy mascot for transnational bureaucrats whose idea of a good joke is getting Americans to pay to correct their own wrong opinions. Maybe he’s doing what he has to do for his country, but seriously, fuck him. And fuck Starmer, for that matter.

If you’re not offended by the whole affair, you should be. Recapping:

Upgrade to paid

Continue reading this post for free in the Substack app

  Claim my free post

Or upgrade your subscription. Upgrade to paid

 

Like

Comment

Restack

 

© 2025 Matt Taibbi

548 Market Street PMB 72296, San Francisco, CA 94104

Start writing